There was a line of lawyers waiting to talk to me and I promise crime had nothing to do with it.

I’d just wrapped up an hour-long session on Coaching 101 for a group of lawyers. I’ve observed that lawyers like giving advice. I mean, that’s what they’re supposed to do, right? So learning to coach is a great skill for them, since keeping conversations advice free is fundamental to successful coaching.

One of the lawyers was standing at the back, positioning himself to be the last to speak to me. When it was finally his turn and the room had cleared out, he got very close to my face and said:

“Okay, I get it, I get it. I get the coaching stuff. But really, how can I give advice without looking like I’m giving advice?”

One thing we agreed on is that he did not “get the coaching stuff”— but he sure gave us a good laugh! This is one of my favorite work moments from last year. I have many inspiring, educational, and even challenging moments to draw from because last year I spoke over 60 times. I spoke to small business owners, corporate employees, and non-profit leaders in the healthcare, finance, academia, pharmaceutical, and manufacturing industries, covering topics such as crucial conversations, female leadership, energy management, emotional intelligence and marketing specifically to each generation.

There is One Common Denominator

Despite the variation of locations, industries, and audience, there is a common denominator in all questions I get asked: working relationships. No one is asking me how to create the most effective spreadsheet or improve a technical skill. No one asks how to make a widget or fly a plane. What everyone struggles with is interpersonal skills and relationships, otherwise known as “soft skills”.

How does this relate to my work? We can do a quick rundown of my recent speaking topics to find the answer. For example, people struggle with understanding generational perspectives and communicating within those perspectives. Emotional Intelligence is about both internal and external relationships. Crucial conversations need trust and speaking up in a relationship. Speaking up in a relationship with both men and women is fundamental to retaining female talent. Even energy management is about our internal relationship with our bodies and managing our energy and stress levels to improve relationships.

Eight Quick Tips for Interpersonal Communication and Relationship Building

So if we boil this down, what’s the secret sauce to the relationship skills we need? When approaching any interaction with another person, try these eight things:

1. Assume the best intentions of the other person. I like the phrase “start new”.
2. Understand the other person’s perspective in the situation.
3. Listen carefully and ask more questions.
4. Share your perspective in the situation.
5. Find the common ground.
6. Leverage those commonalities for the common good.
7. Keep communication open as you move forward, to minimize frustration and to create trust.
8. Speak up if things go awry.

Finally, I want to share a bonus tip I heard last year:

    “The only label we should be wearing is our name.”

We bring all kinds of labels with us and see labels on others. She is a woman; he is Hispanic; they are Baby Boomers—all of these labels put people in boxes. We must “start new” with every interaction in order to give full potential to the relationship, and create room for productive communication.

We can all benefit from the practice of “starting new” in each interaction. I plan to keep this in mind as I move into 2020 and hope you will too.

 What soft skills do you struggle with the most? Let’s see how much we all have in common. Leave me a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

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